hidden PARADISE

"We loved with a love that was more than love."
~Edgar Allan Poe~

I found PJ on facebook a few days ago. I didn't even know he had one. He used to only have friendster and I remember a long time ago when facebook first came out, he said he wasn't into it. It was only cause I saw him as my cousin's friend that I even knew. I added him and messaged him. It'd been a while since I heard from him. Literally the last time I heard from him was when I emailed him about what I was feeling with the stuff going on with Christina. He emailed me back of course and as always had his wise words and knew just what to say to lift my spirits. He always shows me that I'm better than what I really am and I love him for that.

Then my cousin told me that she actually chatted with him on facebook so I've been anticipating the time when we would chat. I've tried a few times to be online just to see if I could catch him but to no avail, I didn't have much luck.

I was in the midst of my homework and chatting with my cousin when he popped up, I wasn't sure if he was going to chat with me or not and I felt the nervousness of it all. I hadn't chatted with him in such a long time, over phone or internet. He'd been so busy and wrapped up in his life and so have I. But he did IM me and our chats were like they always were. :-) Full of excitement and the feeling that we could never run out of things to talk about. And I'm sure we wouldn't. I truly believe that the way it is with us, we would never run out of things to say to one another. That's what I love and miss most about our conversations. He was the only guy in the world that I could spend 7 hours straight talking and laughing with. The only one who never failed to put me up on this pedestal to make me see that I was far better than I thought.

Call me crazy but there's always this hope in me that thinks at the end of it all, it will be me and him. I'm sure we've got a long way to go of trials and tribulations but I just hope at the end it will be us. He was the only one I ever truly thought the "forever" with. Anyways, I had to share our goodbyes because he's just so cute. And he still knows how to make me smile.

PJ: you have a good night and stay well!

Me: thanks you too :):)

PJ: ciao bella! ci vediamo dopo! :-D:-D

buona notte!

(translation that I did using a google translator:
hello beautiful! see you later! : -D:-D
good night!)

Me: good nite :):) and sweet dreams

Needless to say it made me smile. :-) Still sweet as ever. Though I'm a little sad I may not be able to call him for his birthday. I believe his phone gets disconnected next month, and I don't know when. No matter how busy it gets, I've always made an effort to call him to talk to him on his birthday. *sigh* I do hope he calls me for mine at least so I can chat with him, even for a little bit. I miss his voice. anyways, so now I'm perfectly happy and I just hope that we'll have plenty of time to catch up before he leaves for Italy for school.

Somehow I feel like it's a little reminder from God to not give up hope and to have faith. :-) anyways, off I go and love this song below, the first time I heard it, I thought of PJ and always felt that the song perfectly expressed what I felt for him.


"You Are The One"
by Toni Gonzaga feat. Sam Milby

Another day passes by, i'm dreamin' of you,
And though i know it might be just a dream, dreams come true,
Somewhere, somehow i'll find you even though it takes all of
my life (all of my life)

And when i finally do (and when i finally do)
I know inside my heart (i know inside my heart)
That there could be no doubt, i knew it from the start

(you are the one) you are the one
That i've been searching for my whole life through,
(you are the one) you are the one that i've been looking for
And now that i have found you,
i'll never let you go, i'll hold you in my arms
cause You are the one

Another night spent alone
I'm lying in the dark (lying in the dark)
I don't know your name
But i know your voice sings to my heart (voice sings to my heart)
A sweet melody, a symphony of love

I know that come one day (i know that come one day)
A time for you and me (a time for you and me)
To finally be together, cause i know we're meant to be
(you are the one) you are the one
That i've been searching for my whole life through,
(you are the one) you are the one that i've been looking for
And now that i have found you,
i'll never let you go, i'll hold you in my arms

Forever's a meaningless word
Even though you're here with me
Here by my side, here in my heart

i'll never let you go i'll hold you in my arms

(you are the one) you are the one that i've been searching for my whole life through
(you are the one) you are the one that i've been looking for and now that i have found you
i'll never let you go, i'll hold you in my arms
(you are the one) you are the one that i've been searching for my whole life through
(you are the one) you are the one that i've been looking for and now that i have found you
i'll never let you go, i'll hold you in my arms

Cause you are the one, you are the one

"Maybe part of loving is learning to let go."
~From the television show The Wonder Years~

It has been well over a year since my last entry. My entry today will mark the closing of a chapter in my life that has been open for far too long. My entry for this chapter is a good-bye...

I love the particular quote above because it's right...part of loving is learning to let go.

Let's start at the beginning...since my last entry it'd been over a year since I talked to Justin. I had spent the year trying to get past those feelings. I had my crushes, tried to date, the whole nine yards. After all, I had accepted that the possibility of us was never going to be. He was still a lost boy who didn't know what he wanted.

Two weekends ago I got several emails and AIM messages from him asking me to please give him a call so we could talk. Out of curiosity to know why he wanted to talk I did call and leave a message. A few days later he texted me and then we talked. Naturally, his first question was if I had a boyfriend or friend or crush. And I said no, I asked him the same and he said he was single, the last relationship was the girl he told me about last year. He apologized for the past year. He cut all ties in hoping to not hurt me. He knew he didn't know what he wanted so he just let things go but now he knew what life was like without me and he wanted me back in it because he felt he was happier with me in his life. I, of course am not ready to jump on the bandwagon once again. He hurt me too many times in the last 5 1/2 years to go running back. I had to get my answers. So I asked him, why this sudden realization? And he explained that he really thought about things, that he missed me, that he never stopped thinking about me and that he wanted to try again. He knew he had a good thing in front of him and he was an idiot not to see it but he was scared. So I asked him, and what are you wanting exactly? Just friendship? and he said "No, more than that because you're more than just a friend to me. You're like my best friend and everything rolled into one. I know I hurt you but I just want to leave our past behind and move on and see how things go." Needless to say I still hadn't given him an answer. I really wanted to weigh things out, how was I to know if he would disappear again or if it was all for fun and games. I did ask him that and he told me he was serious this time, I asked him how could he be so sure about this when before he wasn't? And he said it was because he felt a connection with me that he hadn't with anyone else. We spent the rest of the night and early next morning talking. He wanted to know what my decision was but I was still thinking about things so I asked him to give me time. He said he was fine with that but he promised he wasn't going away and he'd be there.

Well shortly after we hung up, about an hour later I get an incoming call on a blocked number. Since it was about 3:30 in the morning I had to answer, because I wanted to know who would be calling so late. The next thing I know I hear a girl's voice asking me "Why are you talking to my boyfriend?" I'm in shock thinking who the hell is this and why are they calling so late so I ask, "Who is this? And who is your boyfriend?" The person responds and tells me, "My boyfriend Justin of 2 years, why are you talking to him?" I'll tell you what...my heart about dropped right there. She continued to blast questions at me, asking if I was dating him, who was I etc. And I told her that I had no clue he had a girlfriend and that he was the one who contacted me. She was upset, as I was but wanted to clear things with him and told me she was going over there to talk to him and would call me afterwards. Needless to say within 15 minutes of hanging up with her I burst into tears and did not stop crying. Thankfully my cousin was there with me and I just cried a river in her shoulder, it was her comforting and my exhaustion of crying that finally got me to sleep.

I attempted to call him the next day, but of course he didn't answer. Later when I was out to dinner with my cousin who was trying to cheer me up, I got a few text messages from her and we ended up talking on the phone to clear the air. I felt horrible...although I did not know about her, I felt like "the other woman". I still can't believe the lies that he told. They had been together for 2 years now, meeting at a morning job he used to have. I guess they've talked about marriage and kids and he told her I was just a friend he wanted to get in contact with, nothing more.

I hate what a liar he is but I still cannot hate him. Call me insane but I could never harbor hard feelings for him. So I told his girlfriend the truth about everything, and I wished her well with him. I'm not the type of girl to steal anyone's partner and never will be. And although I was heartbroken, I felt worse for his girlfriend because they had been together 2 years and he was lying to her.

This was when I realized the chapter was closed. All the other times Justin hurt me, at least it was just between me and him. This time it involved someone else and I refuse to be responsible for that. If he lied about this, I'm sure there's a number of things he lied about, not including all the lies he told me the night before. So I texted him my final goodbye. I told him all I had ever wanted was for him to be happy so to have a happy life with her. Thanks for the times and goodbye. I let his girlfriend know I would be doing that for closure's sake. The very next day, I got a few calls from her and texts asking if I had spoken to him yet and I told her no, that I would not and I sent a goodbye text. He actually texted back to let me know he's sorry, wouldn't be bothering me again, that it was over and goodbye.

I feel like this drama is far from over though, his girlfriend seems to be very unsettled and continued to text me throughout the day, asking me questions I had already answered. I've let him go, I wished him well and her well too. I genuinely hope he'll be happy and I do hope that he'll do her right by not doing this again. But I have to say, as much as it all hurt. This was the closure that I finally needed to end the 5 1/2 years. Too many years of "what-ifs" and open feelings. Thankfully it has come to an end.

It was a long and hard lesson to learn but I feel that is what I was supposed to learn with him. With him I learned to open my heart again. To love someone completely and deeply with no reservations. After all, he was never my type, and in every way was wrong for me yet I loved him with all my heart. And to finally let go of a person....and I let go without a heavy heart. I let go only wanting him to be happy.

I know this is one step closer to the person I'm meant to be with. All I hope is through all the heartache and pain I've experienced, he will be worth it.

And so the chapter of my life that circled around Justin has come to an end. I can finally move on with no strings attached. Here's to the next chapter....

"The Power Of Good-Bye"
by Madonna

Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken...I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open, so I must go
The spell has been broken...I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress

Chorus:
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye

Bridge:
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no more places to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye

It's funny how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces."

It's been several months since I've blogged but it's been a busy year. I guess I should start from how things have gone since I last blogged.

Matt turned out to be a lying hypocrite. All I can say is thank goodness it never went further than a month. God gave me signs though and I took heed to that.

I had finished the book "P.S. I Love You" and had been dying to see the movie. So on one of our dates Matt and I went. I'm not sure what happened but during that movie Justin popped in my head and all I thought about was him and how I should be there watching this movie with him, not Matt. Least to say I kept my distance from Matt for a week to think about things and I realized there were still some feelings left so I broke things off. And it's a good thing too!

Come to find the whole reason he kept trying to turn me against Amanda (another co-worker) was because he had been in love with her and she turned him down. Him telling another co-worker (who also happens to be one of my good guy friends) that he had lied to this girl about moving away soon (yeah he told me that) just proves he's a dumb ass. Like I wouldn't find out, then he wonders why I'm pissed and won't acknowledge his presence or speak to him unless needed to at work. He actually asked my guy friend why I was being such a bitch. Errr...DUH...cause you're an asshole!! All I can say is thank goodness that God is good to me and led me away before anything serious happened.

Besides that it's been rather quiet for me. I had a slight crush on this boy but that went away. And I've just been really busy with work and school. I can hardly even believe the school year is coming to an end. Time flew by so quickly. Summer is here once again and I'm looking forward to sunny days with family and friends.

On the friendship front I'm happy to report that Christina and Mike broke up. That needed to be over. He was taking advantage of her now and though she made some mistakes with him, I still feel she deserves better. And it looks like she may be getting that in the form of Wei. So I've been praying and just hope that things work out between them. So far so good.

I did hear from PJ a few months ago, a short little email to say hi and see how things were. Apparently he's very, very busy. I emailed him back but haven't gotten a reply, I know how easily he can get caught up into things but I do miss him. I read back to our old chats and emails and *sigh* I miss those times.

Now the whole reason for my blog. As usual, Justin has decided to pop back into my life again. The first instance was the beginning of this month. It was very weird....for me I guess because usually I'm the one to go weak, the one who is dying to talk to him. This time though I wasn't. I genuinely just wanted to see how he was. He asked if I had a crush and I told him no. He told me he was dating a girl so I asked about her, how she was, what was she like. His answer? "Just alright", of course me and my smart mouth had to reply, "You're dating her but she's just alright?" And his response:"It's not like I'm in love with her or anything otherwise I wouldn't be talking to you." But I had to point out to him that, that was the point of dating, to see if it could work out or not. But he admitted that he missed me and nothing seemed to compare to me. He said that I just kept popping in his mind. I didn't know what to say back, so I kept quiet. He asked if my feelings were still there and I said I couldn't answer that question because it wouldn't be fair, he was dating someone after all. And again he replied that they had an open relationship and it wasn't serious. But I still didn't feel right about it so I danced around the subject and talked about other things. It got rather late though and I did something I didn't mean to. He had been talking about something and my phone was dying, so I told him to wait a minute while I put the charger on, I put the phone down and fell asleep.

3 weeks passed and he emailed me and we ended up talking on the phone again. Right away he told me that he was single again, so I asked him since when was he single. And he said he broke up with the girl a few days after we talked. I just knew he was wanting us to get close again but I just couldn't go through all of it again. If anything I just wanted us to stay straight platonic friends, I didn't want us to get really close again and for him to break my heart. I told him this, I told him I was hesitant to get that close because of all the times we'd get close then he'd just distance himself. That I've even contemplated if we should even be friends. He told me a few things that night though that made me start to think again. He told me that I'm the most constant thing in his life. That he knows I'm always there for him and that he'll always be there for me. That he's never felt this type of connection with anyone before. That months could go by but everytime we got together again it seemed like no time had passed at all. That he knows things will work out for us in the end. When he said that I asked him straight, "Do you see a future with us?" And he said yes, he said that he knows right know we're on different paths in our lives, working on our careers but he knows that it'll work out for us in the end and that's why he doesn't want to force things. Plus he says he doesn't want us to make a committment when we're still so far away from each other, because what if I were to meet someone out here, who was he to say I couldn't date the guy when he was so far away. It wouldn't be fair.

He has a point yes....I just don't know though. It'll be 5 years this november. I met him when I was 20 and I'll be 25 this year. 5 years is a long time to invest in someone. There were many times that I thought I was over him, just to realize I really wasn't. He seems to be the one that I just can't get over. I try hard to but no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to work. He seems to always find his way back into my heart. I try to shut it and he opens it. Do I wait for him? Wait for when he thinks it's the time time for us? Or do I try my best to close those doors and date and see what's out there? Even though I know deep in my heart he's all I really want. Despite everything, my heart still aches for him. Despite him not being what I thought I wanted and looked for. Despite everything I still do love him.

He's broken my heart into a million pieces too many times to count and still, I love him with every piece of my heart.

Off hand I heard Air Supply's "Here I Am (Just When I Thought I Was Over You)" one day and I thought "Wow....this song applies to me..." It just pefectly describes how I'm feeling right now.....


"Here I Am (Just When I Thought I Was Over You)"
By Air Supply


Here I am playing with those memories again
And just when I thought time had set me free
Those thoughts of you keep taunting me

Holding you, a feeling I never outgrew
Though each and every part of me has tried
Only you can fill that space inside

So there’s no sense pretending
My heart it’s not mending

Just when I thought I was over you
And just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh, baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can’t go on without you

On my own I’ve tried to make the best of it alone
I’ve done everything I can to ease the pain
But only you can stop the rain

I just can’t live without you
I miss everything about you

Just when I thought I was over you
And just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can’t go on without
Go on without
It’s just no good without you

Without you, without you, without you
Oh baby, those memories come crashing through
And I just can’t go on without, you

"GIVING UP doesn't mean you're WEAK.
it means you're STRONG enough to let go."

it's been a month since the whole justin thing. he called only once more since the night before thanksgiving, a week later but i was working and when i did call him back later that night it was already too late and his phone was off. i haven't heard from him since but i don't expect to. it would be too much for me to think that he would call to say merry christmas, happy new year or anything else.

in any case things have moved progressively quick with matt. it went from me talking to him more at work to having a crush to full blown liking him to where we are now. i'm not too sure what we are but we've gotten pretty close. we spent quite a bit of time cuddling, hugging and kissing on thursday.

it scares me that when he looks at me it's like he's looking into my soul. he is definitely not your typical guy. he can sense when i'm moody or if there's something wrong. he can read me like an open book and i love and hate the idea. i love it because he's in tune with me and my feelings but hate it because this is unknown territory. he took me by surprise the other day when he pointed out that i've always taken the easy way out with guys who were so dense, i never had to explain myself and with him, he insists on knowing why.

he makes me feel so safe though, i feel like i could lie in his arms forever or just have him hug me forever. i've never felt so comfortable, i've never had a guy look at me the way he does. he stares at me and i asked him why and he told me he loved staring at me because i was beautiful. justin has always said i was hot or sexy but never beautiful and that speaks volumes to me. i love the way he stares and caresses my face. how he kisses my cheek, my forehead and nibbles at my ear. i appreciate the fact that he's so understanding and he takes the time to ask if he's moving too fast because if he is he wants me to speak up and let him know what i want and don't want.

i just never had a guy like that before. i love how he told me he liked me first and that he was hesitant to start a relationship because he was scared for me, because i was so sensitive. i adore how he always tucks my hair behind my ears and out of my face. he makes my heart race and i get butterflies. it's been such a long time since i've felt that way.

every time i've asked God for a sign about him, he's given it to me. i feel like this is it, this is who God wants me to be with right now and i just need to stop freaking out and worrying. like christina said, i just need to enjoy things, for once let myself be happy because God knows i deserve it. i never got those signs for Justin, that's what the big difference is. and as far as i can tell, matt is what i've been asking for.

he's super sweet and caring, i'm amazed by how tender and loving he is. he's definitely intelligent, more than me. there's just so many dimensions to him that i can't wait to discover and explore. he's the most amazing and interesting guy i've ever met. he will definitely teach me many things and open my eyes to different perspectives.

a part of me is scared though. we're so opposite that i wonder what he sees in me. i nearly represent everything he is not. he's the environmentalist, philosopher, artist, anti-consumerist yet here i am that loves to shop, loves the brand names, couldn't care too much about earth etc. in addition to incompatibility i'm scared he'll hurt me much more worse than justin or PJ ever did. my guard's already down, i've hugged him, kissed him, touched him.

but i can't think of the negative, i have to think of the positive. i have to enjoy each moment and be happy. when something bad happens, that's when i'll worry about it, not anytime sooner. i just need to really Thank God for bringing him in my life.

Lord, thank you for sending someone amazing like Matt to me. i don't know yet what his purpose is or what he's there to teach me but i am here ready to be taught. i'm ready for the experience with matt, ready for whatever happens between us.

"A kiss without a hug is like a flower without the fragrance."
~Proverb~

i haven't updated in 3 months, usually i love venting out my feelings, emotions and thoughts in my blog but the last few months i wanted to experience my heartaches and problems in silence. in laying in bed and crying my heart out or letting tears escape slowly as i listened to heartbreaking love songs. i've needed these last few months to really feel the pain inside my heart and to learn to move on.

the last few months haven't all been filled with depressing times, i've had many moments of happiness and joy but still didn't have the heart to share them quite yet.

and here i finally am. so let the revelations begin.

it will be 4 years this november 27th but only recently have i truly and honestly felt that i was finally letting go of my deep feelings for justin. i will always care about him because he was a part of my life but i have come to see that he is not who i thought him to be. he is definitely not the guy for me. over a hundred times i have gone back and forth between my feelings of fighting for him or letting go. i have said a billion times i would walk away and never did. it's been a long and arduous journey but well worth the lessons i was taught. after nearly 4 years i can finally let go and be at peace. i haven't talked to him since that 4th of july and i don't expect to hear from him anymore but if he does happen to pop up, i believe i will be in a place where i will finally be able to speak freely of what i've felt and endured for the last 4 years. i think it will be my final sign of letting go and moving on.

i have heard from PJ in the last few months and it has been good to have my best friend back in my life. i haven't been that good lately though. he emailed me several weeks ago and i have yet to take the time to write back and check on him. he seems to be doing well and is enjoying what his life is now so i'm happy for him. even if it killed me, his happiness was my happiness.

on another note, i find it funny how you start to notice people you've never really noticed before. i have my first crush after a long long time. it just so happens to be my little brother's best friend. he's always been nice to me, though he's not quite my type, the only thing that he seems to possess is that he's white. he's not tall (nowhere near 5'10 even), not the typical baby-faced blonde hair, blue eyes i usually fall for. in fact quite the opposite, he looks his age (23), dark hair and eyes. but my brother's birthday dinner and weekend changed how i looked at him. i may not be attracted to him physically but there's something in his personality i like. i'm feeling the vibe that he's into me but it's also a very weird thing for me to like my brother's best friend. that's never happened before, i've had friends of his that had crushes on me but never the other way around. i'm not even sure i want to risk it because i don't want to ruin the great friendship he and my brother have. but i can't fight the happiness i get when i see him or he's around the house. it gets me quite giddy and i do miss having that feeling. i don't plan on doing anything about it but just seeing where things go.

on the work front i've relaxed a bit. i've stopped working at the 3rd job and i must admit it's nice. i'm not as tired as i used to be and it's just not worth that extra 200 i may get since half that money goes to gas spent driving there and food 4 days a week i have to get for dinner. so i have to spend a little bit less and learn to budget my money better (since i'll only get paid once a month from the school jobs) but it's doable.

i've also started to take better care of my health. i joined gold's gym with my cousin a week and a half ago and i have to say i'm quite proud of my discipline. i have been going every day since then or working my routine at home. no matter how tired or sore i am, i force myself to go and i have to admit i feel great after a work out. tired but i get a good night's rest. i don't aspire to drop to a size -0 or anything but definitely want to tone myself up and gain more strength. i'm also drinking pretty much just water now or tea. no coffee or sodas. kudos to me.

well that's it for tonight. maybe more later with some pics. love y'all and take care!!!

[letting go]

to let go doesn't mean stop caring,
it means i can't do it for someone else
to let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization that i can't control another
to let go is not to enable,
but to allow consequences
to let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands
to let go is not to try to change or blame another,
i can only change myself
to let go is not to care for,
but to care about
to let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive
to let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being
to let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to effect their own outcomes
to let go is not to deny
but to accept
to let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them
to let go is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes
to let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what i dream i can be
to let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future

to let go is to fear less and love more

[anonymous]

London was amazing and for a brief moments i forgot him. For a week I was far from my reality and enjoyed myself in a completely different country. I immersed myself in the place and culture and had fun and flirted with cute boys.

But i'm back to reality and here i am facing my heartbreak again. the deadline passed, i was given no sign from God except for the constant reminder of his name and city appearing everywhere. But i did not get that ultimate sign i asked for, therefore it's time to really move on.

I cannot continue to care about someone who obviously has no disregard for me. Good bye....

"Life is simple, its just not easy."
~Author Unknown~

It has been almost 3 months since i've updated in this thing but it's been busy for me. work, work, work, and more work. this will probably be rather long since a lot of random things are running through my head and i need to vent.

so i'm finally on vacation! kind of. off from the elementary and middle school but working 3 weeks at the group home then taking 3 weeks in july for vacation. one week in london and roughly 2 weeks in l.a. i can't wait. i'll see my favorite little cousin again before he's off to juilliard for another school year, help one of my best friends move, and have some quality mother-daughter time. time has moved so quickly that i can hardly believe everything i've been looking forward to is finally here.

it's been quite emotional for me the last few weeks, too much has happened i guess. i don't even know where to start.

well PJ has made the decision to committ himself to religion, his confirmation or whatever was this past june 23rd. i found out from my cousin that the girl he was in love with was also there. it stings me a bit. i guess because i've tried to reach out and contact him in the last few months and have had no reply. it's bittersweet for me. some of my greatest memories involve him and there was so much promise that we'd always be there for each other and now 3 years later we're not in contact or in each other's life. it hurts. i always thought he would be there no matter what and even though i am over him, i'm still jealous that this girl is still in his life, that she went all the way to south carolina to witness this event and be by his side. *sigh* i'm trying not to to dwell on it but my heart aches.

to add to the sadness i'm already feeling, i'm officially not friends with 2 people who were my best friends. in my last entry i mentioned that me and eri had made up, not the case. my feelings are hurt. she came home several days for mother's day with her sister. i had no idea she was here, but only found out a few weeks later. my work is not even 5 minutes from her house, it wouldn't have hurt to call and let me know so i could've seen her for a little bit. i've been friends with her since 7th grade yet she couldn't find time to see me, but she found the time to have dinner with an old co-worker. that was a slap to my face, please let me feel even more insignificant. as for tina, haven't heard from her at all, not since i texted her happy birthday in feb. and she texted back a month later to let me know "thanks and you're such a good friend, i feel bad." these are the 2 girls i thought were my best friends, i guess not after all. i'm hurt right now but i'll get over it, just like i got over no longer being friends with tori, it'll just take some time.

i'm grateful at least that i have good friends like stitch, da, and sav there. and i've met some new ones like ana. i know i'm a good friend, these girls were like family to me, i would've taken a bullet for either one but that's ok, if they don't see how much our friendship is worth then i don't need them.

as for justin. i don't really know what to say about him. it's been a crazy, emotional rollercoaster. every time i say my goodbyes he pops back up. the promise of things turning around and being better is presented but it doesn't really happen. for every 2 steps forward, i get 5 steps back. i don't know. there's those moments where things are great between us, he says all the right things or just surprises me by his actions and words but then he'll just disappear for several days and i just go nuts. sav things i'm running from justin, that i have this twisted notion of love in my head and won't accept anything less than a fairytale. she thinks justin is a good guy but i'm just choosing to overlook the important qualities because i'm afraid of what i could really have with him. i don't know, maybe i do, maybe i need to learn more patience because i know i don't have any.

for a little background info. sav, is one of my good friends from high school. she's like a guy though, the way she thinks and is in a relationship is so much like a guy, and her husband is like the girl. she analyzed my relationship with justin and pointed out things about justin i've overlooked. she believes we're good together but we'll see. i'll admit, i see the similarities of her and her husband between me and justin. so i can see how it can work out but it just won't fit my idea of what i think a true love and good relationship should be. maybe i am watching too many fairytales. but i'm trying really hard to give justin a chance and not run away. she thinks our relationship is 70/30. that justin is 70% sure of our relationship and his feelings for me and i'm the 30%. sav's made it really clear that justin obviously cares because 3 and a 1/2 years later he's still there. not to mention he brought up the whole future/marriage thing and not me. and that he even asked if i would follow my heart or my family. he is sweet...i know he is...but when he tells me something along the lines of me being pretty or that he just wants whatever makes me happy or even talking about how he'll do my laundry since i hate doing it and feel my future husband should do that, i feel like he's just feeding me lines. i told sav that and she told me to stop thinking that way, that i shouldn't think of justin as a typical guy and that he's not just feeding me lines, that no guy brings up things like that. *sigh* we'll see how it goes.

on another note, i'm really excited for my london trip. i've got most of our days planned out already and in 6 days i am packing in as much sight seeing as i can. i'm going to go picture crazy. i've done some shopping and found some cute shorts, shirts, and dresses to bring along. i've gotta start packing soon.

on an even better note, i've always had the hardest time dress shopping since nothing ever seems to fit me right but the last few weeks have brought me cute summer and formal dresses. finally i'm finding some cute things that actually fit and compliment my shape. i've also cut my hair and i have to say, i love my new hair cut. :)

( new do! )

well i'm off to bed. great to be back on LJ, i've still got a lot of random thoughts to spill. i love the new avril single and for some odd reason it reminds me of justin. well love y'all and take care!!

"When You're Gone"
by Avril Lavigne

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
they lie on my floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah Yeah

All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

"To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions."
~William James~

a great quote to start off the entry. i've done a lot of thinking over the weekend and everyone is right. it's time to move on and let go. (after playing out lindsay lohan's "something i never had", which also happens to be my theme song when it comes to justin) and though it will hurt and ache, i need to. for my own good.

i have no future with justin. i never have and i never will. his words are empty promises. and that is not what i ever wanted for my future. he, himself has said he's difficult and that he tries not to let anyone close. if that's what he wants, that is what he gets. i have given up trying and thinking that he wil come around and change.

i have also come to realize that closure with justin is not officially telling him goodbye. because whenever i try to end things and say goodbye he always finds a way to worm his way back into my heart. he tells me he's changed and he's going to try more. of course, all are lies and things always go back to the way they were. so this past weekend i said my goodbye. i looked at his pictures for the last time, cried and said my goodbye then i deleted everything.

it hurts but i know there is better out there. after a long talk with one of my friends i decided i need to put myself out there and see the other fish in the sea. i know everyone says don't look for love, it'll find you. but i thought getting a headstart wouldn't hurt. besides, i'm just looking for new friends and maybe that could develop into more.

so i did something i never thought i would do. under long persuasion of a best friend i have put an ad out on craigslist. safe and simple since the listing is anonymous and all emails and inquiries about your ad are forwarded to your personal email. this way i can have my pick and choose of who to reply too. i'm even quite proud of myself because i went out on a limb and emailed 3 different people about their ads that i came across. it's been fun and exciting so far and i'm getting to know a variety of people.

this is my way of letting go and finally moving on. i've learned many lessons and mistakes from my relationship with justin. it's time to stop letting a failed relationship hurt me.

some day justin will realize what he lost in me but by then it will be too late. i just hope he treats the next girl that comes along, a lot better.

in other news, i've made up with one of the friends i was mad at. i got to talk to her for quite some time last week and we just did catch up. i let her know my feelings and she understood, she knows she's been busy and not doing a great job at keeping in touch but she's still always there and i just feel a lot better now that things are ok between us. she's one of my best friends and it just hurt.

i also need to leave one job. they're f*cking with my hours and it's not cool. they didn't even ask me if a schedule change was ok or if it was okay to move me to another location. so as of next week i will no longer be there. i've been waiting too long to find another job to replace this one so this just pushed me more.

well i am off to bed! things are starting to look brighter! love y'all and take care!

"You Had Me"
by Joss Stone
definitely a song dedicated to justin

You had me
You lost me
You're wasted
You cost me
I don't want you here messing with my mind

Spitting in my eyes and I still see
Tried to keep me down
I'm breaking free
I don't want no part in your next fix
Someone needs to tell you this is it

Hey listen you'll be missin'
Out on all my love and my kissing
Make your mistakes on your own time
When you come down you're just no good to have around
Instead of making money you took mine

[Chorus]
You had me
You lost me
You're wasted
You cost me
I don't want you here messing with my mind
I've realized in time
that my eyes are not blind
I've seen it before
I'm taking back my life

You tried to trade on my naivete
But the things you do and say embarrass me
See once upon a time I was your fool
But the one I leave behind is you

Hey listen you'll be missin'
Out on all my love and my kissing
Make your mistakes on your own time
When you come down you're just no good to have around<
Instead of making money you took mine

[Chorus]
You had me
You lost me
You're wasted
You cost me
I don't want you here messing with my mind
I've realized in time
that my eyes are not blind
I've seen it before
I'm taking back my life

Vodka and a packet of cigarettes
That's all it used to be but now
You're sniffing on snow when you're feeling low
Suffocating dreams that could have been
Maybe for a minute I was down with that
But it didn't take long for me to see the light
You swore you had control of it
But when I stepped back you slipped on your supply

[Chorus]
You had me
You lost me
You're wasted
You cost me
I don't want you here messing with my mind
I've realized in time
that my eyes are not blind
I've seen it before
I'm taking back my life

Taking it back I'm taking it back
Taking back my life
Taking it back I'm taking it back
Taking back my life
Ain't nobody got no business stressing all the time
Taking it back I'm taking it back
Taking back my life

[Chorus]
You had me
You lost me
You're wasted
You cost me
I don't want you here messing with my mind
I've realized in time
that my eyes are not blind
I've seen it before
I'm taking back my life

Taking it back I'm taking it back
Taking back my life
Taking it back I'm taking it back
Taking back my life
Ain't nobody got no business stressing all the time
Taking it back I'm taking it back
Taking back my life

"A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain."
-Abraham Cowley-

i've been in hiding the last few days to process my thoughts. after having lunch with sav wednesday she pointed out to me some harsh realities. i love sav, she's one of the closest people to me but she sure does have a knack of being very blunt and straight to the point.

after a lengthy discussion of justin and other problems in my life she has pointed out that justin doees not view me as anything more than a friend. because a person who loves, even likes another person would make the time. that person would make the time to call, to text, to email, to talk. that person would make the time because he cared enough. to come around sporadically means that he just sees me as a friend. she also went into great detail of how naive i am and that i should stop making excuses and rationalizations for justin. that i should accept things as they are and realize me and him will only ever be friends.

it hurt and it was like a slap to the face but she has a point. when i care about someone, whether i like or love them, all i want to do is talk to him. i want to be with him and if i can't be with him at least talk to him. not that i want to compare but how things first were between me and pj is how it should be. to make that effort to call and to want to talk to me. if not every day then at least every day. not so spread about where it could be weeks to months till the next time we talk. that truley exemplifies that he really does just want me to be his friend. he told me once that i was like a best friend to him. friend....maybe i've mistook his actions and words. or maybe he just wants to keep me there and so he tells me what he thinks i want to hear.

all i know is that it's not what it should be. i've thought and re-thought about this a million times since then. a part of me just said to let it go. to attempt to stop talking to him cold turkey and erase him from my life. but that other part, that softer part of me knows how much i care. and it aches in my heart when i think of how much i really do love him and how he doesn't really care. how do you walk away from a person you've loved for 3 years? i've tried so many times before to walk away and have never succeeded, how am i to do it?

i watched "aishite imasu (mahal kita) 1941" tonight and in this story i saw what love should be. it is always being there for the one you love, no matter what. it is sacrifice, putting your loved one first, and following your heart. i can't explain what i felt as i watched the different love stories unfold. all i know is that things with me and justin are not like that.

i love him and i don't know what to do. i don't know how to forget him and move on. i don't know how to make my heart stop feeling for him. i'm scared i may never love like this again. to have that connection that i feel, to have those butterflies, to feel my breath slip from me....

but i know i can't waste my life away hoping he'll come around. i can't depend on that "what if". because i could spend the rest of my life on that "what if" and nothing coming of it.

all i know is my heart is hurting again. it aches and i don't know how to make it stop. my thoughts are consumed of justin and i don't know how to stop them. everyone i look i see things that remind me of him....please God give me strength to endure and forget.....

to make matters worse i've been depressing myself by listening to "on my own" from les miserables because eponine's song is mine....that is what i feel....all i'm missing is my tub of ben and jerry's. i shall have to pick up several quarts tomorrow.....i need something to replace this empty feeling for i have no more tears left in me to cry......

"On My Own"
from Les Miserables

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn no one to go to
Without a home, without a friend
Without a face to say hello to
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own

"Love is the distance between reality and pain."

- Robyn hitchcock -

i think this is a fairly accurate quote. love always lies in between that of reality and pain. anything could sway it in either direction.

things have been going rather well with justin. i don't know if it's because we're growing up and getting older and he knows that but it's so different than before. mind you he's 25 turning 26 this year and i'm turning 24. when i used to ask about his feelings and what he saw in the future as far as us goes he used to always pull out his lame excuse of he's all about "having fun with his boys right now" and he just "couldn't committ to a person at the moment." now he's telling me that he knows i'm right for him but he just hates the distance. it's a big jump.

he called me tuesday night but i was still at work. so i called him back when i got home. i told him i was surprised he called and thought i'd hear from him next month. he was like no, you've been calling me and i wanted to talk to you tonight plus i didn't want you to bug out. i know i have the tendency to freak out. i'm usually never that person but because i'm not secure enough of his feelings for me, i can't help but freak out if i don't hear from him for a while, i assume he's moved on or has forgotten about me.

brownie points i have to give him though is when we were saying goodbye. it was early in the morning over there when we were getting ready to hang up. it was about 7:30 there and 4:30 here. he told me he'd call me back because he was gonna go check if his dad was home so i said ok. he called me back 5 minutes and said his dad was and that he was tired and was going to get some sleep but he'd call me soon. so i said ok. i guess it meant a lot because he remembered to call back just to say goodbye. he remembered that stuff like that means a lot. so i don't know how things are going to be between us but we're taking it slow.

i guess i just worry sometimes if we're too opposite. i'm really spoiled by my mom and don't have that much of a desire to move out till i'm done with all my education and have a good job, he already wants to be on his own but is obligated to stay with his dad to help out. i stress out quite easily over everything and he doesn't, he's so chill and kick back. he loves to play poker and i don't. he hates clutter and i'm sentimental and keep everything. i just don't know if we're compatible enough. stitch thinks that we can work out and that things are going very well so i shouldn't worry but it's hard. everyone knows i'm a stress ball. but i think i've been doing better and trying to just enjoy our time.

the only thing that has been frustrating me is some of my friends. two people i considered my best friends are no longer my friends. i'm just tired of always trying to stay in touch. i'm the one always calling, texting, emailing etc and they make no effort to even respond. one i haven't talked to for over a year and i am hurt that she's made no effort to keep in touch. it's not like she can't because i've seen her comment to others on myspace. and the other has flaked too many times on plans whenever i'm in her area. so sadly it's time to cut my losses. i've known one since middle school and the other high school and i always thought we'd be friends forever and they'd be at my wedding and around my children etc but no more. i wrote this blog in myspace just because i was so frustrated.

( friends & life )

it was vague enough to not point fingers but straight forward to make certain people think. the sad part is these 2 so called best friends of mine wouldn't have an idea of who IS the boy i like. that's how out of loop of my life they are. all i know is i try my best to be a good friend. i would've given everything i had, even the shirt off my back for my family and friends. if they don't feel that way then it's their loss. i know i give it my all.

well off to change and head out for dinner with the family. happy st. patty's day!!! love ya'll and take care.

p.s. i so love this re-make of "she's like the wind"!

"There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year."
--Unknown--

grrrr....i HATE when tax season comes around. i just e-filed my state and federal taxes and am i getting a refund this year? NOPE. this year is almost as bad as that year i had to pay 700 dollars in taxes because a company i used to work for didn't transfer my tax information properly and instead of claiming 0 and having taxes taken out each paycheck, they put me as exempt and i owed a crapload when tax season came around.

i worked my ass off this past year and i thought i might get a little bit of money back, but nope. they're right, the more money you make the more they take out of you, especially if you have no tax shelter and i have jack squat. not married, no kids, no house. UGHHHHHH!!!!!

$367.00 in taxes this year. $92 for federal and $275 for state. how is it state is costing me an arm and leg? and usually they're the ones that give me less refund when i actually do get money back?

i was expecting a refund so i could use it to pay certain things off but looks like i'll have to work extra for sure now. i'll work a few weeks in the summer for the middle school and see if i can still work some days this march for the elementary.

*sigh* i hatteeeeeee growing up!!!

"Maybe I should just pin my heart to my back, so you can watch it break as I walk away."

it should not take me more than once to learn the same lesson. you put your hopes back up and only to have them come crashing down. you think things are going to change and they don't.

he's done it before and he'll do it again. he will only BREAK your heart and here you are once again picking up the pieces.

just let him GO!

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
- Mother Theresa -

i'm feeling very confused. justin called me last night as i was talking to one of my friends. i was still pretty mad about the last time we talked since i stayed up all night waiting for him to call back and he didn't so i wasn't sure if i even wanted to talk to him. but since i was so worked out i felt the need to tell him what was on my mind and so i answered the call.

he started off by telling me that he had just gotten another phone since his old one was acting up. and so i asked if his phone was acting up the last time we talked and if that's why he didn't call me back. he said no so i proceeded to tell him how mad i was at him for not calling me back. he asked if i was still mad and i said no but i was for the last week and a half because when someone tells me they're going to call back, i wait and expect that person to call back. he explained he didn't meant to "not" call back but he had fallen asleep. i told him ok but still if he was tired he should have just said so instead of saying he would call me back. and so his explanation was that he had been tired, had gone down to get a drink of water and settled back into bed intending to call me back but fell asleep. i sat there trying to figure out if he was lying or not but he sounded sincere. he seemed genuinely surprised when i told him i was mad because he didn't know i was. i told him i was so mad and told one of my friends and my friend told me to never talk to him again. he asked me if i really was never going to talk to him again and i told him i was talking to him now.

we had a very long talk last night. he called around 10:30 pm and we didn't get off the phone till around 7 am. i feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders because i finally told him everything i felt. i told him all the things that bothered me. i feel pretty proud because it has always been so hard for me to tell him what i really feel.

i told him that i felt like we never talked and he never calls and he said he would make the effort to call more. i also told him how sometimes i think he doesn't know me because even though we've known each other for over 3 years now, the last time we talked was when i found out that he's the type of person who hates clutter. i felt that we don't know the details of each other's life. his response? "i may not know the details of your life but i know you. i know how you are, i know your personality." so i asked him to give me an example, if he knew me so well how was i as a person? and this was his answer, "you're shy" how am i shy? "in a group of people you're the one who sits back and just listens, not the one to talk but in a small group you're comfortable with, you talk more and are open." okay so he was right on the dot.

at another point of our conversation i asked him what he felt for me. and this is the gist of what he said and what i would say, "i like you a lot." okay and? (then there would be silence) "it's just hard, i try not to stress out about things like that, i try to take it one day at a time" okay well this is my point of view, i have tried to forget you and get over you the last 3 years and nothing seems to work, there is obviously something between us that won't let me let go and move on. "i feel that way too but it's so hard. we're as far from each other as we can be. i can't just go see you when i want." (silence) location is not always going to be a factor. anything could happen. i could move there, you could move here. who knows where life can take us. "i know. i know you're right for me but it's just hard to get attached. sometimes it's better to not be attached so you don't get hurt. because when you get attached you have a bigger risk of hurting." but just like in gambling (he plays poker a lot) no risk no gain. you yourself told me that for a poker player to win big he's got to risk big. it's the same in this situation. how can you win big if you don't risk? "i know but *sigh* it's hard. i know i'm difficult and sometimes i feel numb" are you wanting to spend the rest of your life numb? not feeling? i know you can be difficult but that's not how to life. to live you have to feel.

after that he just got quiet and we changed the topic. i don't know if it was an overload on his brain to be talking about a topic so deep. he just confuses the hell out of me. well it's a big change from 3 years ago. he used to tell me that he wasn't at the point of his life to commit. at least know his only argument is that at the moment we are on opposite coasts. i just get mixed signals and i just don't know how i should take it.
for a while now i had given up on seeing a future with him. i used to envision it a lot, especially 2 years ago. and as things just got more complicated between us and things seemed to go downhill i lost the vision of the future together. now i just don't know.

i happened to be folding laundry at one point while we were talking and i really hate to fold clothes. i don't mind putting clothes in the washer and dryer, it's just when it comes to folding i dread the most. so i told him how much i hated folding and jokingly said that my future husband would have to do all the folding. i would put it in the washer and dryer and he would have to fold. justin's response: "really?" and i said yep. he's gonna have to fold and cook too. he paused a minute and said "i can do that. i can fold clothes for you. and i'm not a great cook but i watch the food network all the time now and it doesn't seem hard so i can cook too." i didn't really know what to say because i hadn't said that comment to be directed to him. i just said it offhand. and then he said, "if i do the folding and cooking what are you going to do?" so i just said cleaning. i would do the cleaning and he was like "ok so i cook and fold and you clean." i just don't know how i'm supposed to take that. does that mean he sees a future with us? arghhh....*sigh* i mean he remembers everything from the last 3 years. he asked me out of nowhere if i remembered the first night we talked. if i remembered sending him that first email telling him how i felt. and then would sing/say "memories" and it made me smile that he did remember. i joked that i couldn't believe he remembered and he said he remembers everything. *sigh* i just don't know. i teased and said i would never talk to him again and he got serious and was like don't say that.

all i know is from our conversation last night, i am looking at him through a different light. i think i understand him better. i feel like he wants something to happen between us but is scared. when he says things like it's better to not get attached because it can only lead to getting hurt, that's what i see. and yes i'm scared to death too but at least if i fall, i fall and give it my all. i'm willing to risk my heart. he seems so scared to. i don't know what happened in his past but i wish he would open his heart a little and see that every broken heart is a lesson learned.

i don't know which way to go. i know i still care about him. it's just i'm also scared to open my heart to him again. he crushed it last time. then i wonder if we're compatible. we have some things in common but it seems like a lot of personality traits or so opposite. he's the type of person who throws away things that aren't needed and i'm the type that feels bad throwing things given to me so i keep them. he's more kick back and doesn't stress about things whereas i'm a walking stressball and stress about everything. i'm the type to get things done if i know it'll help me out in the future, like if i know a resume is all i need to get that better job i'll get it done asap where he would procrastinate and keep putting it off to the next day that it never gets done. do opposites really attract? can they work out?

*sigh* ay....my head hurts. i've been thinking about it all day. i even talked to stitch. she thinks it's a good thing that we got things out in the open and she thinks things are going well. that we're working things out but i need more perspectives. what do you think?

well i'm off to bed. dentist appointment in the morning. i am soooo IN LOVE with the soundtrack to music & lyrics. love y'all and take!

"Way Back Into Love"
by Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration 
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

"Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water."
~Antoine Rivarol~

my heart hasn't been into writing the last few months. usually i pour my heart and soul out in what i write but i just can't seem to sit and let my thoughts run.

it seems only in times of deep sorrow do i have the heart to spill my thoughts.

i think i have finally come to terms with PJ. i understand his decision and i'm happy for him. but i also no longer hurt. i love him, i always will but my heart has finally healed. it's been over 2 years.

as for justin. i was okay. my heart didn't even hurt anymore when i thought about him. but just like before, he popped up and once again he said all the right words and made me believe he changed. only to find, his words were words and just that, nothing more.

so i was played the fool again and here i am reeling from yet another heartache. i wish i knew how to walk away.

at times i hate myself for having feelings for him. i feel like one of those girls who can't get out of an abusive relationship. i don't know how come he has such a hold on me.

i'm doing my best to take it day by day but it still hurts. i'm waiting for the day the pain disappears completely and hopefully this time it will be for good.

i need to let go of him once and for all. i need to remember all the qualities i want and remember that he doesn't have a single one. he's not a man...but a boy. a boy who doesn't keep his word. one who plays with my heart and toys with me.

one day i will find that person meant for me. and i know this heartache is just another piece of the puzzle. i know it's to make me stronger and help me be the person i'm supposed to. i try to keep those thoughts in my head as the hurt in my heart deepens. eventually this will all be a past memory and i will look back and remember the great lesson loving justin has taught me.

it's weird....for the last 3 years...around this time of the year is when i feel the heartbreak the most. the first year, it was because justin got cold all of a sudden. the 2nd year me and pj were trying to get back on track as friends and i was frustrated with justin for not knowing what he wanted. last year i was trying to figure out why pj was distancing himself and this year....well justin has me confused yet again. *sigh*

( sadness... )

"Someday"
By Nina

Someday you’re gonna realize
One day you’ll see this through my eyes
By then I won’t even be there
I’ll be happy somewhere
Even if I cared

I know you don’t really see my worth
You think you’re the last guy on earth
Well I’ve got news for you
I know I’m not that strong
But it won’t take long
Won’t take long (cause)

Chorus:
Someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You’ll see, I won’t even miss you
Someday someday

Right now I know you can tell
I’m down and I’m not doing well
But one day these tears they will all run dry
I won’t have to cry, sweet goodbye

Chorus:
Cause Someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You’ll see, I won’t even miss you
Someday

I know someone’s gonna be there

Chorus:
Someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You’ll see, I won’t even miss you
Someday someday

"Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad."
-Christina Georgina Rossetti-

i've been busy with school and work but justin reappearing from the past has thrown me off course once again. it's almost like a never-ending cycle.

i had just gotten over him. i had just stopped hurting at the thought of him. it's been over 8 months and no contact. how can you just pop up out of nowhere and think things will resume?

*sigh* long story short, justin called me out of the blue thursday night while i was studying and doing homework. i didn't recognize the number and that's why i answered. had i known who it was i probably wouldn't have.

i just hate that this always happens. i'll be fine and then he'll just pop back and think it's okay. he did it to me once before and i fell for it. like before, he's his usual "charming" self with all the right words to say. he thought i'd be mad that i hadn't heard from him and i told him straight out that yeah i was at first but then i just didn't care. and his slick response? "i couldn't go the rest of my life without talking to you again".

grr...he just makes me so mad. how do you just casually pop back into a person's life you haven't talked to in almost a year? how do you have the nerve to ask if i'm seeing anyone or if i've had any boyfriends? why do you ask if i still look good?

i have been going nuts over this. i don't know what to do about the situation. a part of me is curious about him and why he's back all of a sudden but another part knows better than this. that other part tells me to just walk away because my heart cannot take another heartbreak. i refuse to play the fool a third time. i've given him too many chances before. i'm just praying to God for a sign. something to tell me what i should do.

anyways...off to bed because i have an early day with getting up and going shopping with mum. love y'all and take care.

"Last Christmas"
by Donna Cruz

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance
But you still catch my eye
Tell me baby
Do you recognize me?
Well
It's been a year
It doesn't surprise me
(whispered) Merry Christmas,
I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I love you"
and meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now
I know you'd fool me again

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

A crowded room
Friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you
And your soul of ice
Oh my I thought you were
Someone to rely on
Me?
I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
A friend to discover with a fire in her heart
A girl under cover but you tore me apart
You tore me apart, ooo-ooo
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

A friend to discover with a fire in her heart
A girl under cover but you tore me apart
[Spoken] Maybe next year,
I'll give it to someone
I'll give it to someone special.

"He was the world to me, and I was nothing to him."

there's only so much my heart can take. only so much of my heart that can break.

where do i even begin?

i guess i should start with pj since that happened first. he called me saturday around noon. i had emailed him about the situation with my parents early friday morning. he called and woke me up and advised me. needless to say, his advice was just like all the "guys" i've talked to said. tell my dad first, keep the family intact blah blah blah. i'm sorry but there are just some people that aren't meant to be together. well after our discussion about my parents he told me he was still smoking. that the last few months have been tough for him but he was getting through it. so i finally asked him if he was ever going to tell me what was wrong? because that feeling that something was wrong never went away since february. and...he told me. needless to say once again my heart shattered.he fell in love. i asked him when. he said thanksgiving of last year. that's why the last several months had been so hard on him, he was crying etc. he decided to let her go and pursue religion. (more like his family pushed him into it and gave him an ultimatum) it's funny. a year ago had he told me this he would've killed me. at this point last year my feelings were still very strong. now...i don't know. i'm still hurt but i now understand that statement people have told me, "if you truly love someone you'll let them go and be happy even if it's someone else." the pain stings, i never thought he could fall for another...he told me he never would and yet he did. he still insists he chose to fall in love with her, i told him he didn't chose, his heart chose and his head followed. i haven't the courage or the heart to ask specifics about the girl yet. i'm still stuck between needing to know how it all happened and not wanting to know at all. all i can say is that at least i kept calm the entire time. i didn't show how much it was hurting me inside. i need some time to think of what i'll actually do. i know that i need to know the details eventually because that'll be my closure. it just bugs me cause i wonder if he realized it was me he was telling this to. he knows how much i care and how hard i fell. i'm still in the process of letting him go and it's been a year and a half. and he told me of all people this. he told me how he hates having hurt her and it kills him that it did..*sigh* just shoot me now.

me and my brother told my mum everything this morning when she came home from work. i have to say her reaction was not what i expected. my mom is an emotional person. she cries and such and she believes in filipino morals of keeping a family together no matter what etc. but today she stood her ground and was strong. she confronted my dad (who still denies everything even though he's been caught red-handed) and has cut him off from everything. she wants him out and she's going to separate from him. i'm proud of my mom. she deserves better than this. what i hate the most is how my dad will sit there and deny everything when not only do me and my brother have proof in texts and phone calls but one of my titas told my mom about it cause she heard it from manong. ugh.....i wish he'd just leave.

it has been quite an emotional couple of days. i called in sick to work today because i felt i needed to be here with my mom and brother. sometimes people surprise you and my mom did. hopefully now things will start to get better. the storm has passed through....now it's time for things to heal and grow.

"The Power Of Good-Bye"
by Madonna

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

There's nothing left to try
There's no more places to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

"I'd like to believe that I'll wake up one morning and not miss him anymore. I'll finally understand that when he broke my heart it was for a reason,one I just don't understand yet,but when I do I'll know that he messed up and not me."

the world has collapsed around me and i don't know what to do. i can't seem to catch a break. every time it looks like things in my life are going okay, something terrible has to happen. how much heartbreak can one endure in a matter of hours? where do i put my focus on first?

in several hours i'm going to break my mum's heart. i'm going to have to be the one to tell her that her husband is cheating and i can't find the words to say it. i hate my dad for doing this. i hate that girl for tearing my family apart. i wish him and her would just run away and leave us alone.

i hate that stitch and sav were right. things are not always what they seem. on the surface he was great, wonderful, and absolutely perfect for me. but just like all the others, he decieved me and lead me on. he lead me to believe he really cared about me. he's a fucking coward. he hid behind his stupid flimsy excuse that he didn't look at me as more than a "little sister". how do you spend every day for 6 months talking to me for at least 3 hours? why would you tell me you love me and miss me? why would you memorize the details of my life like how i hate burger king or distinguish the difference between my 3 friends christina? how can you do all this and not be aware of what you're really doing? how can you not know that you're sending me the signals?

you're not who i thought you were....3 times now you've broken my heart....3 times too much. 2 years ago this day in november you smashed my heart into pieces...that was the day my world fell and crashed. i thought i had picked up the pices and healed but i thought wrong...too many secrets and lies... i had to find out from my cousin that you were back. you didn't even bother to call me and let me know. you can be closs to cess, and talk to her over 3 times a week but can't call me? i need to do what i've been putting off to do. a part of me held on to the hope that one day you would wake up and realize that this was a worth love fighting for. i even prepared myself to wait for you. no matter how long it took.

but this is it. first justin then you? i never thought i'd come to the day when i would say goodbye but i have to. i have to finally erase you out of my heart, my mind, and my memories...i need every trace of you gone....

today i deal with my mum...tomorrow you...good bye...

"Lately"
by Samantha Mumba

Lately been thinkin bout you baby
Just sittin away watchin the dayz go by [x2]

Have you ever felt a breeze hit your heart.
Like the wind was blowing it apart.
Had you spinning like a merry-go-round.
Indications of a storm touching ground.
I wish that I could weather any storm.
But I guess it was heartbreak from the norm.
It was a day I will always remember.
The saddest day in sweet November.

[Chorus x2]
Lately I've been watching you.
Been thinking about you baby.
And everything you do.
Just sittin' away watching the days go by.

I'm on my knees praying God help me please.
Bring my baby back, right back to me.
If loving you is right then I don't want to go wrong
So I drown myself with tears.
Sittin' here singing another sad love song

[Chorus x2]
Lately I've been watching you.
Been thinking about you baby.
And everything you do.
Just sittin' away watching the days go by.

Lately I've been torn apart.
I wish you hadn't broke my heart.
I’m missing you baby, missing you every day [2x]

[Chorus repeats & fades out]

"There's always that one person you just can't let go of no matter how hard you try it's impossible."
-unknown-

hmm... i love that quote...i don't know why but i do.

so it's been a long while since i've updated but needless to say, i wasn't in any mood to sit and type out a whole long entry.

it's been a busy month. i've been working a whole lot, and there's been lots of good things happening. lots of changes going on.

work has been busy, i've been working at orchard but got moved to alpine. i'm leaving yung isang school and i got another. the new school job pays a lot more, it's closer to home, and i'm really only dealing with "one" student. not like the other where even if i was meant to just teach one student, i still had the rest of the class to deal with too. i'll miss the kids but i have to take care of myself first. i'm still actively looking for an afternoon part-time job a well, something fun. i'm sick of getting all these jobs that are so serious and stressful. i need one where i'll enjoy and relax in.

me and lolly are finally on good terms. tita, tito and long came up to pick him up from his summer intensive program and they stopped over to spend the night. i'm glad we're finally okay again. we've only had one fight ever, before this, when we were kids and it hurt that we were close by all summer and didn't see each other once cause he was mad at me. we teared up and did our hugs and we're okay again. i just got back from visiting him down in so. cal. as well and it was so much fun. i'm going to miss him so much. but i know how exciting and wonderful his life in NYC is going to be. he's going to live out my dreams. and i couldn't be more prouder or excited for him. he is doing what he wants to do, going to the school he's always wanted and most of all, he's found a career he's passionate about. i have no doubt he will conquer NYC and succeed in everything he does.

my L.A. trip was so awesome. Da came with me and hung out with the fam. we did all the tourist spots for her but got to spend some time in palm springs for some R&R. it was GREAT! that place is so beautiful and relaxing. i must find more time to do things like that.

my ate and niece just got back from the homelands and man have i missed them. looks like they had a ton of fun. i can't wait to go there in march (hopefully, if all works out) for ate gen's wedding. it's been 5 years since i last went back so it's about time.

i miss rynny, i texted her a few times but i'm not sure if she's gotten them or not. i haven't talked to her in ages and wonder how she's doing. i know ate ni said she's been sick a lot so i hope she'll get better soon. my kuya eric is leaving for phil. next week for 3 weeks so i'll have to send a care package.

i'm still undecided on what i want to do with my life. i have this huge part of me that just wants to be a teacher but another part that says social worker. i don't know. i guess until i finish paying off my loan i shouldn't worry about it. i'm almost there, i'm hoping by next semester it'll be done or at least almost there. i want to go back to school ASAP. i miss it already.

i miss PJ too.....he went back to phil. for 2 and a half months. *sigh* he called me last friday when he was at the airport. it was about 11:30 here and 2:30 east coast time. he was leaving that day at 3:45 pm. he was calling to let me know....*sigh* it was great to hear his voice again. Lord knows i have missed him so much. but i got to talk to him on IM tonight. he's there safe and sound and he's enjoying it. i got his cell number there so at least i'll get to text him here and there to check on him. he won't be here for our birthdays but i'll be thinking of him. no gift to send him this year. he made me happy tonight though. it's been a long time since i've heard the words but i got them. as we were saying our usual goodbyes, in the end he inserted "love you! Ciao!" *smiles* it's been so long since i've heard that and my heart dropped. of course i said it back and said bye, he waited for my response before he finally signed off. there is hope after all...well my heart says so anyway, and that's what it's holding on to.

well i'm off, i'm getting up a bit early to have lunch with my kuya chrissy tomorrow then work from 3 to 11.i'll post pics of my L.A. trip soon. love y'all and take care!

"Everything You Do"
By Christian Bautista (reminds me so much of PJ)

I love the way you smile when i look in your eyes
I love the way you laugh when i try to be funny
and how a tear rolls down your face
when I say no one could ever take your place

[chorus]
Cause baby when you sleep, I watch you breathing
and baby when you dream, i dream with you
cause everywhere you are is where i wanna be, it’s true
everything you do makes me know how much i love you

The way you touch my lips right after every kiss
and softly whisper that i’m your everything
the way you pray our love won’t die
every night just before you close your eyes

[chorus]
Cause baby when you sleep, I watch you breathing
and baby when you dream, i dream with you
cause everywhere you are is where i wanna be, it’s true
everything you do makes me know how much i love you

[bridge]
I believe that some things are meant to be
as sure as there is love yours is meant for me

[chorus]
Cause baby when you sleep, I watch you breathing
and baby when you dream, i dream with you
cause everywhere you are is where i wanna be, it’s true
everything you do makes me know how much i love you

Cause baby when you sleep, (I believe) i watch you breathing
when i see you in my dreams, it’s in everything
and baby when you dream (I believe)i dream with you
(when i see you in my dreams, it’s in everything)
cause everywhere you are is where i wanna be (Oh, it’s true)
everything you do makes me know how much i love you

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these,"It might've been."
-John Greenleaf-Whittier

i haven't updated in about a month....my emotions have been going up and down. i'm so stressed at work, that i can barely make it through the day at times. i can't wait for school to be out next week. one month of vacation.

the work environment has just been sooooo STRESSFUL. i was close to tears after yesterday's drama. it's ridiculous how things can be. i hate hypocritical people and too many fucking hypocrites work where i work. all my favorite people have quit in the matter of 2 days and i'm on the verge of following their lead. i'm just hoping and praying for an opening. crossing my fingers for the school district job.

i haven't seen much of family or friends, just here and there. mostly being able to see colleen and nette. specially nette, going shopping and doing what we used to do. can't wait for our so. cal trip and going to disney!

i know it sounds childish but i'm extremely excited about it. i haven't been back to disney land since grad night 2001. i want to be a little kid again and just be carefree and happy, even if it's just for one day.

i still haven't talked to justin. in some ways i'm proud of myself cuz i know how bad he is for me, but there are times when i think about him and everything inside hurts again. of course i will always care about him and hope he's doing well. but i think justin is just one of those guys that i have to take it day by day, to get over.

as for PJ...well i talked to him once on the phone since my last update and once online. i was only able to talk to him on the phone for like 20 minutes or less. i called him since i was feeling so frustrated with work and had no one else to turn to. then the next time i talked to him online, which was a few days ago, he didn't say much. he had to get to bed early so we chatted for less than 5 minutes. i told him i had missed talking to him and was glad to chat even if it was for a minute and he promised he'd call when he had the time but so far nothing yet. but i shouldn't expect much, especially since bumalik na siya sa loob. wala na akong pag asa. even if there's this crazy part of me that hopes that in the distant future lumabas siya at meron pa kami isang chance.

i guess my life has been nothing but work and home lately. i have no social life. i do nothing but be tired all day from work then go home and sleep it off and start the day again.

the only fun thing i can say i did in the last 2 weeks is go with my parents to san jose to re-visit old haunts. we went to the old flea market i used to go to when i was younger and it was just a trip. little things brought back so much memories. i can still picture being 7 years old and riding around on my scooter all over the place.

i miss those days...those childhood days of innocence...*sigh* well off to bed for me, another long day tomorrow....love y'all and take care....

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger. You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause. You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you! A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.